Wifey gave me the greatest gift for my birthday.

I’ve only visited The Onion a few times, and it was usually something stupid, if you want my honest opinion, and you know how I feel about people sending me e-mails with links to stuff like that? What, you don’t? LOL, where did I put that rant? :)

Anyway, they wrote a book and it is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

It’s like an atlas, the kind where they show page-by-page about the states and countries, and they’ve got something amusing, sarcastic, downright awful at times, to say about pretty much everything! But keep a box of kleenex handy, because you’ll laugh so hard your eyes will try and pop out!!

Now I have to warn you, it’s not for everybody. If you’re easily offended, or if you’re sensitive to certain language usages, shall we say, this book may not be for you. Click the link and you can use the “look inside” or whatever they call it to give it a little preview yourself.

But if you know someone with a sense of humor that isn’t afraid of a few f-words and scathing satire — it makes a really excellent gift, and as a recipient, I should know! :)

I know, I know… I didn’t get to post yesterday. It was actually quite an adventure involving three trips to the auto parts store… but I’ll get to that later in the week.

Today’s Silly Saturday was sent in by… wait a minute, nobody sent it in… this is all me! :)

Anyway, do you know why you have to punch and knead your bread before you bake it?

Click the button to reveal the answer…

Ha ha ha, you get it? :)

I got this in my e-mail… I’ve seen it before, but it’s funny and it means I can be lazy and save the excellent post I was writing for another day! :)

A cannibal goes to the doctor.

“Doctor,” he says, “I’m not feeling very well.”

“Perhaps you have eaten something that disagreed with you,” the doctor replies.

“Hmm,” says the cannibal… “he did say he thought the water was a bit too hot.”

OK, so I am accused of the making of funny joke and the causing of laugh…

Try for yourself this one…

WHAT does the snail say, riding on the back of the turtle?

(Give up? Answer will be in the comments…)

Drop everything you’re doing and read this… it’s long, but it’s f–ing hilarious!!

Improv Everywhere Mission: Best Buy

What are you still doing here? Go! Read! :)

A RLF just sent me this. You HAVE to check it out!

The latest Macintosh ads — they’re hilarious!

Oh, RLF — yeah, real life friend.

Several? Yes, I’ve got ‘em — several Macs!! :)

A guy walks into a bar.

No wait, that’s not funny.

Hang on a sec.

That’s much better.

Hey, do me a favor. Tell me a joke, why don’t ya! And please link yourself up, whether you are feeling funny or not. Truth is, I’m testing Mister Linky’s Everlink Widget and, well, so are you! :)

What’s an everlink widget, you ask? Imagine having linkies whenever you want them without having to deal with scripts EVER again.

I looked down at the boot tray, at the empty, dirty spot where a large pair once stood.

I thought of the old farmers who work until they are as old as the dirt they tend.

I thought of the young farmers, the sons — taken by unjust wars, city life, traveling circuses.

I looked down at the boot tray, at the empty, dirty spot where a large pair once stood.

And then I looked down at my feet. Oh yeah, I’m wearing those boots! Never mind!

I’ll be taking another sick day today, or at least working from home — which reminds me of one of my favorite jokes…

———-

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”

The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her — give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You sure got nice house.”

A guy walks into a bar.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting at the bar having drinks and discussing the meaning of life.

They each notice the new guy and turn back to their conversation.

Just then, the bartender sees the new guy and says, “hey, buddy, I don’t want any trouble, but you can’t come in here.”

“And why be that? Arrrr,” asks the new guy.

“Can’t you read? Sign says ‘no pirates,’” replies the bartender.

“Arrr, and what be givin’ me away?” asks the pirate.

“The parrot on your shoulder, for starters,” replies the bartender.

“This be no parrot,” says the pirate. “This here be my talking dog.”

“Buddy, I ain’t gonna argue about this. You’re just going to have to leave,” insists the bartender.

“Nice going, Polly,” the pirate says to his companion.

“Woof, woof!” the parrot barks in reply.

It’s FAQual Friday again, and a very special one, indeed!

A lot of people ask me how I manage to get so much done each day. What with exercise, work, projects around the house, I barely have enough time to breathe, let alone take on life’s more important things — yes, like blogging!

So what if there were more hours in the day? Hmm, like 25. You could do all the things you normally do and then have an hour for yourself. But why stop there? Why not 80?!

Well I think I’ve done it. I think I’ve actually invented an 80-hour day!! It might need a few tweaks. You see, there’s this problem with the space-time continuum and the gravitational coefficient of… well the axis of polarization and… there’s the angular momentum of the…

Maybe it would be easier if I just demonstrate how it works with a tour of my very own daily routine.

If you saw my tuesday post, you may think that I get up at 4:30. How quaint, the 60-minute hour! Nope, not anymore. Now I get up at 15:00. I hope I don’t hit the snooze button and spend another half hour in bed!

From 15:00 to 16:12, I catch up on urgent e-mails that have arrived during the night and if I’ve already written a post, I’ll click the Publish button so you all can see it.

At around 16:12 I try to start my workout, so I can be done by 18:06. It takes me almost two hours to shave, shower, and get dressed. I try and be done by 20:00, so I can wake up Wifey. By about 20:15, we’re downstairs. We spend the next four hours or so drinking our coffee, talking, playing with the dog. It’s very relaxing!

I leave the house about 24:00 and my commute is about two hours, but some days it can be even longer, sometimes up to 45 minutes! But by 26:12 I’m usually at work and of course I get right to it! Sure, there’s about an hour for tea and blogging around 33:00 and then a couple hours for lunch around 39:00. And I sometimes take another hour for goofing off in the afterforty, but I’m mostly working until well past 57:00.

I try to be home by 60:00 and Wifey and I will have some wine and talk for a couple hours while she’s making dinner, and then after dinner we watch TV until about 70:00. After that we go upstairs and read for a while or do crossword puzzles, stuff like that. But I try and get to sleep by 74:00. If I don’t get at least 21 hours of sleep, how will I get up and do this all over again?!

It’s not easy squeezing 80 hours into one day. But with enough caffeine and a good calculator, it really can be done!!