Wifey gave me the greatest gift for my birthday.

I’ve only visited The Onion a few times, and it was usually something stupid, if you want my honest opinion, and you know how I feel about people sending me e-mails with links to stuff like that? What, you don’t? LOL, where did I put that rant? :)

Anyway, they wrote a book and it is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.

It’s like an atlas, the kind where they show page-by-page about the states and countries, and they’ve got something amusing, sarcastic, downright awful at times, to say about pretty much everything! But keep a box of kleenex handy, because you’ll laugh so hard your eyes will try and pop out!!

Now I have to warn you, it’s not for everybody. If you’re easily offended, or if you’re sensitive to certain language usages, shall we say, this book may not be for you. Click the link and you can use the “look inside” or whatever they call it to give it a little preview yourself.

But if you know someone with a sense of humor that isn’t afraid of a few f-words and scathing satire — it makes a really excellent gift, and as a recipient, I should know! :)

The local PBS station is the only thing that comes in over my antenna. That’s OK, though. They’re playing from Pink Floyd’s Pulse tour. If I send them some money they’ll send me the double DVD. Am I just a sucker? I think I need it. The sounds, the lights, the colors. Take it all in.

Do you ever have the dream where you scream and nobody can hear you? I think maybe we just don’t know how to scream. Either that or nobody’s listening. But sometimes I can’t even hear it myself. Maybe I’m not listening either. It can’t possibly matter that much.

I figured out what’s so cool about this camper. It’s about the right size and shape to be the cabin of a cruise ship! An inside cabin, to be sure. But the seas are so calm. But wait, we’re just docked here in port.

Where would I sail, though? West to Montana? Is there an ocean there? Paved ocean. I’m the captain though. Somehow the trip just isn’t the same when you’re the master of the vessel. Even as a lowly member of the crew there is some time to sit back and enjoy the voyage. But not when you’re at the helm. On the sea, on the road, in port, in my own back yard, it’s 24×7. Don’t let go of the wheel, ye might run aground.

What if life were different? Take a right at the lights where you usually go straight. One direction is the office, the other the library or a bank. Do you borrow a book or rob the bank? They have libraries in prison, don’t they?

We watched another strange movie — Stranger Than Fiction, this time. I liked this one, too. An interesting story, told in such a quirky way. You have to check this one out, too. What can I say? Maybe I’ll have to make you all Netflix friends!!

The TV station is begging again. I want to become a member. I live two hours a way, but I hardly ever, really never watch my own local PBS station. Not since the kids graduated from Barney to the Wiggles and beyond. Nickelodeon, I think they’re getting my money these days. “Contemporary music,” the dude is saying. Can I pay money to have a sock stuck down this guys’s throat?

Thank you gifts! A tote bag! No, the double DVD. I need it. It has Dark Side of the Moon on it. I’m so getting that. Call that number right now and pledge your support.

I’m typing this on my laptop and I’m having a terrible time getting an internet connecton over my cell phone. I think I need to reboot my phone. Sometimes that helps. It’s so unreliable, I can’t stand it. But it’s better than anything else I’ve ever used. My boss tells me I’m on the bleeding edge. He tells me that a lot. It actually works on me. What can I say?

Hey, how about the race… I finished in just over 32 minutes. Wifey had to walk a couple times. It’s funny, someone asked if Wifey was going to run with me. “Until I leave her in my dust,” I told her. Well the first time she had to slow down it was just about the one mile mark. I stayed with her, and that lasted about three minutes, I think. The second time was closer to the three mile mark and I took off. I had to. I’ve been training for so long and working so hard and I do it for me. That last quarter mile was torture. It’s got a mean hill and then you get to the three mile mark and you can see the finish line and there’s still an incline to the mostly-flat road. But you just keep kicking and through the pain you just find a way to get there. Ha, it’s kind of like life!!

Welcome to freezing-your-ass-off-ville! Zip code is 01085 BRRRR.

Ah how nice to go camping and bring with you the modern conveniences of home! Like electricity… I’ve always had to rely on laptop batteries when I’ve been camping before. That’s kind of a joke, I know you’re not supposed to bring your laptop with you when you camp. But hey, that’s just who I am.

So we watched this week’s episode of Mad Men I had on my hard drive. I’ve got the handy dongle and cable to hook up to the TV. Yes, TV we have, too! And on DVD we watched The Family Stone. That was one of the strangest movies I’ve ever seen. I’d have to say I liked it, though, in the end. Go and add it to your Netflix.

But here’s what we don’t have: a match. We’re not planning to use the stove, so no big deal. Our propane grill has its own starter button. But the hot water and heat have pilot lights that need to be started if I don’t want to become an ice cube. It’s too dark to read the thermometer right now, but I’m pretty sure it’s reading ffff-freezing! I’ll bet you that I was going to use the other f-word. Yes, it’s f-ing cold.

Today we’ve got a doggy event, which is why we happen to be here instead of somewhere scenic or fun. I guess it’s fun, what we’re doing. A couple minutes of excitement both preceeded and followed by hours of waiting and trying to figure out when it’s going to be your turn.

So hopefully I’ll get over to Wal*Mart, so I can buy meself a sweatshirt, maybe. I did bring a jacket, but I can tell I’m going to need a little more than that. And on yeah, a butane stick, so the cold won’t have to matter quite so much.

P.S. I read up on the heating system and it turns out it’s pilotless, so I did have that going for a while. And later I went out and bought some necessities — like FIRE — and now I’ve lit the water heater and so now I’ve got hot water. And now life is grand! :)

OK, not really. I decided that the scale in the gym at work is probably more accurate than the one I’ve got at home. Both doctors’ scales, but mine hasn’t been calibrated in some time. So yesterday on my way home, I stopped and weighed myself and then right when I got home I weighed myself again. Turns out my scale at home weighed me three pounds lighter than at work. Damn! So now I’m three pounds heaver than I thought I was, but I’ve still lost as much as I thought I have. And how much is that? I’ll let you know next milestone! :)

P.S. Wordless Wednesday hit its bandwidth limit so I’ve had to upgrade it to the next level of hosting service. With any luck they’ll do that in the next couple of hours and I’ll put up this week’s welcome.

And this week’s sponsor? It’s Netflix, who have lowered my price — cool!

P.S. After my workout, I weighed myself… and then I did the math… and then I did some more math… and now it turns out that since mid-April, I have lost ::drum roll:: 41 pounds!  Yay me!

I feel a little like Alexander Graham Bell right now. No, not because I’m so dashing. No, not because I hope someday to have a cracker named for me (not true). No, not because my wife “Ma” is someday going to be far more famous than me (possibly true). It’s because I’ve got a phone and nobody to talk to!

I signed up for Skype and it didn’t cost me anything, and it doesn’t have to cost you anything, but if you don’t sign up I won’t have anybody to talk to! My skype name is whiskeytalking, of course, so ring me up, why doncha!!

Click that banner down there and don’t buy anything you don’t want to, but get yourself set up so I can talk to you!

If I’ve got any domains left at this company…

…I’ll be transferring them. I just don’t care for the way they advertise, even if the women they hire are willing participants. Feel free to keep giving them your money if you like or feel differently. But as for me, no thank you, daddy!

Want to know who I use these days? IPOWER — $6.50/domain? You just can’t beat that!

We finally got around to watching Lost on Friday night. It’s been so long since they went on their little hiatus that I wondered if I might fall off the bandwagon. Nope, I guess my seat belt was so securely fastened that the many weeks of jostling couldn’t throw me from the edge of my seat.

Are you hooked yet? You can still get caught up, you know! We watched the first whole season on Netflix. And I think you can get the second season now, too. Of course with this third season, you may have to do what Wifey and I did with the second, which was to get the episodes from iTunes. But don’t do like we did and watch five episodes a night! Pace yourself and enjoy! Let the excitement last a whole weekend! :)

And of course you’ll never get a spoiler from me. Except the part where all of the first class passengers were eaten by pirates. But everybody knows that, don’t they? Don’t they?

A tale of two companies. It was the best of advertising. It was the worst of advertising.

This whole Super business really gets my socks in a knot. The whole idea that you can only use the words super and bowl in the same sentence if the you have been blessed by the NFL. Of course the NFL deserves to be paid for certain rights associated the promotion and playing and airing of the actual football game. But to say that nobody can mention that a certain big game is taking place and using the name of that big game.

Here are graphical excerpts of two e-mails I received recently. One must be from an NFL partner:

And the other from just another company trying to sell stuff:

I always laugh when I see the big game mentioned. Is it someone who wants somehow to steal from the NFL? Of course not. I guess it doesn’t matter much that they can’t say anything about how super the game is going to be when they watch it on their new high-definition TV. I just have to laugh, is all.

A tale of two companies. One famously pushes the envelope every year with their ads, trading sex for publicity. I don’t care much about that. I get my domains elsewhere much cheaper, thank you very much. When I want a domain, I don’t go with anybody’s daddy.

The big game company is one I am happy to have a relationship with. Good products at great prices. I guess I won’t see their name on my TV screen tonight. But the next time I want to buy some of these or some of these — definitely when I’m buying one of these, I’ll get a super deal.

Day two of the tragic coverage of Steve Irwin’s sad, unfortunate demise. Yes, AC 360 was covering it yet again last night. New developments? Nope, I didn’t notice any.

Lots of talk about how to deal with the stingray poison once it’s in you. I’ll just file that all away under nice-to-know.

But what the heck is this fascination we have with people dying? Yeah, it’s sad, but it happened two whole days ago!

Of course, we could milk this whole video footage thing and did he pull out the barb before he died. That might keep the story going for days… weeks even!

I have to say, the one thing I remember from my first aid training is that if something is stuck in you, you have to leave it in or you’ll likely do more damage by removing it. Yes, the only thing I remembered. If only I’d been there… he might still be alive.

Is it sATFABurday again?

I think this is the best work I’ve ever done…

NH — New Hampshire Stickers

You’re probably thinking I do nothing all day but sit around and play with Photoshop. OK, just for a couple hours this week. What can I say, it was a slow week! And here are the bumper stickers I finally got off of my to-do list!

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY?

THE BEST STRATEGY IS PEACE

WAR BEGINS WITH W