It’s that day again. December 31st. The two worst nights of my life both occurred on December 31st.

The first was so many years ago I can’t even tell you. Maybe ten or twelve, something in that ballpark. My wife at the time — first wife, maybe you’ve met her — my then-wife and I were watching TV and waiting for the new year to arrive. I don’t remember anymore what we were talking about, but the subject came around to what an asshole I was, and how I didn’t care about anyone or anything, and how I was just the biggest jerk in the world. She went on berating me for what felt like hours. It was the most surreal, bizarre thing I’d ever experienced. I don’t remember much after that, but our marriage was pretty much doomed and just went downhill from there. But New Year’s Eve was never the same again.

Then, of course, years later, I was remarried and life began anew, right? Actually it was the year before — the new millennium — that was kind of fun, because I was on call for Y2K computer problems. That year (2000) was when I was remarried and I’m sure New Years 2001 was something special.

But 2002 was something different — it was just the beginning of months of what I can only refer to as “troubles” and I wrote about it last year. It’s in the December 2005 archive near the top if you’re interested.

It’s been five years now and I’m haunted by these troubles ever since. I love my wife, I really do, but more times than not when I look back at what happened I wonder why I didn’t make her leave. You know those diamond commercials when they say to tell you’d marry her all over again? I don’t think I would. If I had known about all of the pain I would have to endure, there’s no way I would have put myself through it. I hope she never asks me that question, because I know I couldn’t say yes. It’s just been too painful.

I think, though, that she doesn’t realize that I know everything that was going on and so she never felt the need to explain why she did what she did.

Here’s something weird, though. This past summer my son was doing something out of state. He was with his mother the whole week and I went out to take part in one day of the event. Just a few weeks ago, Wifey told me that she was a little upset at the time that I wanted to do that more than stay with her. Honestly, when she told me that, she was pretty well sedated, so I don’t really think she was trying to hurt my feelings by saying that. She was just in a state of mind where whatever just came out. But I realized something — that was the first time in four years or so that I’d left Wifey behind and gone anywhere. It was because after four years I felt I could trust her that I even allowed myself to go on that one-night trip. No, I haven’t mentioned that to her, because I don’t want to bring back the rest of the troubles. I’d just as soon leave it all in the past.

Yeah, as if that were at all possible.

Happy New Year to all of you dear blog friends. There has been so much tragedy just in the past few weeks and I hope 2007 brings everyone more health and happiness and prosperity than they know what to do with.

\_/ Uisce