It was a year ago tonight. I tried to stay up until midnight, but in reality it began early the following morning.

I spent an entire month trying to be something I’m not.

In the end, I achieved my goal and I got it out of my system. Well… not entirely out of my system, as you may recently have read… but I did it, I wrote a novel.

But enough of that. That month took quite a toll on me.

During the months that followed, I realized that there are things I’m good at and there are things I’m not as good at.

For example, I’m a hell of an engineer.

And I’d like to think that I’ve made the world a far better place through my software writing than I ever will with my fiction writing. My code has made nice people happy, and I like that. It’s even made not-as-nice people not-as-happy, and I like that, too.

And don’t get me wrong, it makes me happy, too.

But there’s this part of me… I think it’s because of a woman I knew a long, long time ago. She was into books and publishing in a big way. A part of me wants to hold onto her in a way that only writing can. It’s really silly, all of this… I’ll never, ever see her again. Maybe deep down I think that if I made it as a writer she’d hear about it and I’d bump into her and it would all be accidental, wouldn’t it?

I’d like to think that I’m smart enough NOT to do something like this for the wrong reason. Who knows.

Of course, then there’s another part of me that still wants to write that other novel — and it’s a much better idea, by the way. And maybe some day I will do it, and for the right reason.

Until then I’ll just keep doing the things I do well and try not to spend too much time on the things I suck at. Except for tennis. I’m sure I totally suck at that — it’s been a few years since I’ve been on a court. But that’s OK. Some things you just have to do for the fun of it.

Hmmm, kind of like writing.

And in case you’re wondering about the title… yes, my new laptop does have one of these inside! :)