I’d like to take this opportunity to warn the public about a matter of utmost importance.

And why would I do such a thing? I’m not really sure, since I really don’t like people. But the thing is, I like you people just fine. It’s the real-life people that get on every one of my nerves.

Take yesterday evening, for example. I was at a meeting and this women brought her dog. The dog kept hopping his little paws up on my leg and poking at me with his little nose. Now this wasn’t so bad, because I love dogs. But what was this woman thinking? You don’t bring your dog to a meeting and let him bother people. Honestly, leave the dog and get the hell out of here, lady. The dog can stay.

But I digress. The important issue is regarding soap. I keep a bar of soap at work, in case I need to take a shower. No, my job is not so sweat-inducing that this occurs very often. It just happens that in the summer we go out and play softball once a week, and there you go. And I keep the soap in a very special soap container. But what if I run out? Aha, that’s precisely why there is a spare bar of soap in my filing cabinet.

And here’s the problem. Would you like to know what else is in my filing cabinet? Cookies. They’re like Oreos but they’re vanilla. I hate chocolate, as you all know. Anyway, these cookies have been hermetically sealed inside of a somewhat heavy-duty Zipper-style bag for weeks and weeks. I know, people are shocked that I don’t eat the whole thing of cookies, but the truth is, I just don’t have much of a sweet tooth.

Anyway, would you like to know what these sealed cookies now taste like? If you guessed soap, you’re oh so smart, and you’re right! Eewww, I said. Of course, I ate two of them, because I was drinking some tea, and I wanted a couple of cookies to go with it, and I guess I didn’t really care all that much that my cookies tasted like soap.

But you all — I care about you all!! And that’s why I’m here to tell you, keep your soapy products away from the food. Just because you have a plastic bag doesn’t mean the soap is going to keep its soapiness to itself. And there you go. You’ve all been warned! :)